If I ruled the world…I’d free all the children
estimated reading time: 8 minutesLately, I’ve been documenting Kaiden’s inner child. He’ll say things, ask things, and do things that signal childhood. Look at this. Do you ever wonder? …Read to me .... Watch this (typically followed by an anticlimactic happening but stay with me here; There’s something to be amused in the utterly mundane).
My work as a mother is about staying present. I trust at least 80% of the time, I can be the kind of parent I want to be for my child. The remaining 20% I chalk up to continuous improvement and being a work in progress not perfection. Plus, I have enough humility to know I will learn along the way.
As Kaiden approaches seven, I’m noticing something. He’s asking more questions. “All kids love their birthday, right? Oh, maybe just some of them,” he said, while answering his own question. I previously explained how for 18 years of my childhood, I didn’t celebrate my birthday; that some kids and families don’t celebrate. That it’s not something we have to feel bad about but can honor differences. Sometimes kids don’t celebrate for religious or cultural reasons. Some families don’t have the means to. I took a topic and made the context relatable, and he understood.
While he’s unpacking his life, friendships, and experiences, I’m also noticing he’s watching me. He’ll look me in the eyes to watch for my reaction. What I will say that may offer interest. I am becoming aware of my reactions; the unspoken language that can say more in a moment than words. Am I judging? Engaging? Fearmongering? However the moment goes, I consider what thoughts and feelings take lead. Sometimes, easier said than done. Nevertheless, I aim to be present and curious. This is where the invitations come to connect with his curious mind.
Child holding their drawing of mega minion and an identical minion toy next to it on a table.
Squirrels just want to have fun
Last month in things that missed World Star, while bike riding for cinnamon rolls, Kaiden and I experienced an outlandish squirrel attack. Stay with me. After the most dramatically audacious moment of my 2024 life, Kaiden and I exchanged eyes. His jaw supremely dropped. We both were in complete shock as a squirrel found an Olympic arena somersault flip from a fence to landing on my chest. Read that again, yes, that did in fact happen.
After a soft but harrowing scream, my bike derailed into the street. I looked around, it was 8:30 a.m. on a Sunday and nobody was around. Then I looked at Kaiden. He was still on the sidewalk. While clutching his handlebars, his jaw was still dropped. The shock was real. He was waiting for my reaction.
Imagine Ludacris’ song when I move you move but in the sense of matching energy. Kaiden was waiting to see what my energy was for this moment. Like a jumper ready to double dutch, he was ready for me. I looked at him for a split 10 seconds, realized I was still alive and unscathed, and just laughed. A big laugh too and he joined me. Because life will life as we know it and you might as well have some fun with it. (Editor’s note: No rabies and no children were harmed in this moment)
After returning home, we documented the moment together. Kaiden drew a picture of a squirrel. I outlined a figure with their jaw fully dropped with outer space planets surrounding (a key detail Kaiden remembers). He said his jaw went to outer space. We shared the experience (video reflections: part 1, part 2). Another unforgettable moment for the books.
There are so many stories I could tell. It's what he's been saying lately that inspires and awakens my inner child. This is just a glimpse of his thoughts:
Kaiden says:
J: Kaiden do you know who mommy's friends are?
K: yes, ....
J: good ones
K: oh i know who else is your friend
J: who?
K: your body is your friend, you can trust yourself
-Everybody's body is their friend
(Frustrated about something)
K: oh i was going to tell myself im not good at this....
But then i stopped and said i can try again
-positive self talk
That gentle type of parent
I’ve written about my love and complexities with motherhood. I’ve talked about the random hat that Kaiden used to wear, and like Woody in Toy Story, its shelf life faded away. What can I say, I celebrate and grieve often. My parenting practice is something I' never experienced as a child, so as Kaiden grows up, I get to relive my inner child too.
You can call me a conscious parent or a gentle parent. If you’re feeling aloof, I’ll be a soft or permissive parent too. I really don’t care what people think of my parenting. I’m not concerned with blind compliance and an obedient child. I’m not concerned with whether Kaiden agrees with me or not. If he needs more time at the park, we call it bonus minutes. If I’ve done something to hurt him, I apologize or ask how I can make it right. I don’t hit, manipulate, yell, or shame him. These aren’t rocket science skills. Neither my ego nor how my parents raised me rule my parenting practice.
I want Kaiden to have the capacity to feel. The capacity to think critically. The opportunity to slow down and process his world. I want him to know me beyond just being his mom. I want him to understand the complexities of life as a Black body in this world. I want him to understand consent with his body and that of others too. I want him to know work. I want him to know rest too. I want him to know he can speak up and I can be there to listen.
If nothing else, may I earn the badge to be something every child deserves — an unconditionally safe space to talk and navigate life. From me, he'll understand voice and choice. He’ll learn that every decision has a consequence and that making mistakes are okay.
This type of parenting is actually much harder to do than enacting physical, mental, and emotional violence on a child. This type of parenting unshackles power structures, hierarchy, and devaluing beliefs of children. This isn’t the type of parenting everyone has the capacity to do and that’s real. This type of parenting protects the inner child while platforming more freedom and dignity.
I’m more concerned that Kaiden can manage his emotions and name an abundance of feelings. Tools like emotional intelligence will take him far. I want him to take risks, reach highs, and cradle his dreams. I want him to make mistakes and lots of them. I want him to feel like he can tell me whatever is on his heart. I want him to learn experiences that show how perseverance supports growth in life. I want him to know that I care. I don't want to raise a child exactly like me. I want him to be exactly what he feels called to become.
I want Kaiden’s happiness to be a cloud of his own and not a shadow of mine.
The way our conversations go and how he continues to show up in the world truly amazes and inspires me. He has a voice that I’m not threatened by. He has a presence that brings healthy competition, joy, and happiness with his friends.
It’s not often in life that the creative process is truly honored. I believe children in their most authentic states have the most creative and pure minds before society mechanizes its expectations. Kaiden’s creative process is in his drawings, the imaginative stories, and his sight to beauty in the mundane.
Creative people go into the arts, marketing, hair and beauty, and more flexible minded fields. I know this because I have an inventive mind, and I've worked with many like me. As a kid, I would draw pictures, tell outlandish stories, write my name in bubble letters, and write poems. My parents put me in theater and acting classes to channel my creative space. Just a few years ago, I returned home to my writing practice, and I’ve been feeling more like myself ever since.
Parenting with growth in mind
I’ve been on a parenting journey. It’s a journey much the way I’ve evolved my runs, from one loop around the lake to multiple paths and triple the miles. I’ve always been a learner. Someone who constantly questions and rarely (especially nowadays) rests on any form of autopilot. More than ever, I’m aware of what I eat, how I spend my money, who I consume my time with, and what drives me to be the person I choose to be.
Even if I never went to college, I know I would still be interested in being the kind of mother Kaiden deserves. The kind of mother that may have birthed one but brings the vibration and care to raise so many more. In this lifetime, I’m determined to take care of the children in different capacities. It starts with taking care of my inner child.
Image of mother and child looking into the camera at a deli. Soda machine in the background.
My view, backed by African and Indigenous cultures is that children are the return of our ancestors. They come from heaven (if you believe in that); reincarnated, reborn from lives that have been here before. They are our oldest yet newest family members. I believe if we just settle in and listen, the wisdom is there. The reminders of love, compassion, and determination are things my ancestors left behind. I believe if we, as adults, find our creative space, cherish, and center it, then the capacity for children is boundless. The other day Kaiden asked:
“Is it a good thing to be an adult?” I said, “that’s a big question, what do you think?” He said, “well, maybe not because they make mistakes, sometimes really big mistakes. So maybe being an adult isn’t always good.”
When I hear my child talk like this, I know he’s processing his world. I try to fully engage, and document the moment. I pull out a notebook and jot things down. One day he might want to know his inner child. Me listening and noting these things, may be the precursor to memories long lived. At the least, it reminds me of what I'm reflecting back. May it be love. May it be letting the children be.
The gifts in the message
Dr. Shefali “Parenting Infected” (YouTube)
No Bad Kids, Destini Ann, TEDx (YouTube)
The importance of raising an emotionally intelligent child: Erika Brodnok, TEDx (YouTube)
Constructive Ways of Parenting, Dr. Stacey Patton Explains (YouTube)
Spare the Kids: Why Whupping Black Kids Wont Save Black America
The Cost of Walking in your Freedom (YouTube)
Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome, Dr. Joy DeGruy
The playlist that inspired it all:
A Child’s Bolder Dreams playlist (YouTube)