The new growth on being in love
estimated reading time: 6 minutesLove in practice. Three words that joined my 2024 goals and intentions. I wanted to be love, feel love, and see love. I wanted to create and reimagine the essence of love. Beyond halfway through the year, love in practice has taught me more about myself and what it means to love and cherish who I am.
Love is complex. You can love someone intimately and you can love someone from a distance. You can love someone you know, and you can love a stranger. Love can be a protective factor and combined with compassion can help people move past tough situations. Sometimes what is so powerful about love is the sheer capacity to let go and let be. Like when you love someone so much, you are not attached to the outcome; that a moment in love can be just as defining as a forever love. There are lessons when we are present for love.
As I have gotten older, I have learned love requires an ability to surrender. To be willing to not overly engineer time, a moment, someone, or something. Love is something you cannot control. Love, like gravity, is a way to feel grounded. There’s love in surrendering to break ups or heartbreak. There’s power in realizing when our hearts experience hurt, we are cut open, raw, vulnerable — and yet, there’s beauty in taking the time to learn, grow, and try again.
I remember as a little girl belting out The Greatest Love of All. It did not matter where I was, I sang that song with all the confident vocality. The late and legendary artist, Whitney Houston said it best:
Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.
Photo of the evolutions of Jocelyn from younger to older. The word “love” centered.
I did not have hair that grew long and flowy like the Disney princesses. I had thick and kinky hair. I had those long-dreaded wash days on Sunday — if you know, you know. I had the hair that knew both pressing combs, barrettes, headbands, and hats that accessorized my being. My curls were not loose and soft like some of my friends, and I wished most times it did. It took a while for my hair to grow big. My mom would explain how my dad cut off his eighties afro so his daughter could have more hair than him. That was love.
These days, Whitney’s words are an anthem of revolutionized self-love. In this lifetime, I am determined to take my love to the furthest quest, to the moon perhaps. Love is the greatest elixir. It will always be fascinating the way love is what heals and also forever transcends time.
I remember being twenty-eight and getting the news my childhood best friend’s dad unexpectedly passed away. Danny was the kind of dad that took Laura and I with him on trash collection jobs. He had a rusty red truck that had a creek to it when you got in. The truck bed of trash was never too consuming. Probably because I was the smallest, I sat in the middle of the 3-seater. Laura would sit next to me on the passenger side and hold the door shut with some kind of wire and stringy thing. When it was too hard for her to keep closed, I remember Danny with one hand on the wheel and another reaching over to help. It was a process, but if you know dads like Danny, all obstacles were possible to overcome.
Anyway, after trash hauls, the best part was our trip to McDonald’s on Hiawatha Avenue in Minneapolis. Laura and I would compare our happy meal toys, chomp on fresh cut fries, and devour our greasy burgers. Sometimes it was just a drive through stop and then we would be on our way to the next thing. Sometimes we would have time for the playhouse and while there, we could run around and just be. In my early 20s I advertised for McDonald’s and was over the moon when I landed a full-time job in Boston. I could not place why my excitement was so strong, but those golden arches were unforgettable. That nostalgia was all about love.
Photo of Jocelyn and Laura, circa 1993
I have learned that the very words “I love you” are complex. Some people mean love with conditions. Some see love unconditionally. Others see love somewhere in the in-between. I am learning to see love in an ever-evolving way. I see love similar to the way I see nature; something that takes the presence of all five senses. Something that requires divine care and intention. Something that in order to sustain, demands radical vulnerability and healing.
Love is a tone. Love is a muscle. Love is a mindset. Love is a model I continue to hone.
Self-love can look many different ways, and these are ways I have evolved my love practice:
Taking care of my body: from ice bowl facials to facial steams, I have invested in products that make my skin glow as much as my personality. Running helps my mental clarity, releases stress, and all around strengthens my body. I pay attention to how I eat and how it affects my mood, skin, and ultimate energy. I drink water, coconut water, and kombucha regularly. I love a good salad too.
Embracing solitude: Because my day job requires a lot of people-ing, I often regenerate in solitude. I set boundaries to protect my time, which means I am okay with saying no to invitations and redirecting requests. I like to offer the world the best versions of me, so I rest and reset often.
Taking time to write: My joy space continues to be in my writing practice. Being present for life moments, guides my writing process. I write things down. I take notes of my moments, feelings, and interactions. I spiral through the dictionary and fall in love with words. Writing is the only place I have officiated so many marriages (of words of course). Writing has given me a path and a purpose to share and embrace my thoughts. I have something worth saying - and someone out there is listening.
Giving myself permission: I give myself permission to be myself, to forgive myself, and to live on my own terms. I can evolve. I can put an expiration date on love when it is no longer serving. I give myself permission to let go of people and situations. Like the settings on our phones, sometimes we need to reboot. We need to reprogram and recognize when old thinking is flawed. Even when it hurts, I give myself permission to restart and begin again. I give myself permission to allow love in. I accept the practice of love as sacred to my human identity.
Like Teyana Taylor said in “We Got Love,” love is the new money. Love has always been the greatest currency. Love is the most misallocated and mismanaged transaction too. Love is what happens when infinite desires meet clarity, sacredness, and compassion. Love is time bound and timeless. Love is a force. I am reminded, there is no amount of loving what hurts that can produce happiness. I cannot make people love me the way I want to be loved. Yet still, the right people will continue to come and love me in awe inspiring ways.
Love is a lifelong education I never want to go without. Where love is, there’s joy, peace, safety, and integrity. To be the best and first teacher for my son, I know I must continue to practice love. Love is the only thing I wish to metastasize in this lifetime. Love is how I lead. Love is me.
So let me look in the mirror with kindness and compassion. Let me love every edge, every curl, every curve, and every part of my mind. For love is the quest, and in practice it will continue to take me and show me just who I am.
The gifts in the message
‘See the Good and Beauty in Us’ Love Letters to Self, Medium
The playlist that inspired love’s new growth: