A love webbed in ceremony and learning to let go
Reading time: 4 minutes From clothes, to toys, shows, he channels the whole spider verse. Like love LOVES spider-man. His webbed bathrobe is the comfiest thing I’ve ever wanted. I'm melanatedly (yes, I made that up) grateful for Miles Morales.
I’ll fully admit, I’ve royally aged out of this kind of fetish (or not, inner child come through?!).
The signature spider-man hat remained a constant. A red baseball cap with two super bugged eyes tangled over black webbing. I remember picture day, “hat or no hat?” his teacher frantically texted. “Whatever he wants is fine,” I replied without hesitation.
Jocelyn holding a sleepy Kaiden wearing a Spider-man hat
Like an old man, he’d rest his hat by his pillow before bed. He'd rise for the day and typically grab two things, a toy and that hat. With two hands he’d adjust effortlessly just right then left with ceremonial focus. In the colder months, he wore it under his winter hat. This was the kind of kid you seemingly knew before they approached. Sometimes, it was Kaiden. Sometimes Peter Parker. Sometimes it was the superhuman powers he channeled with utmost reverence and cool kid delight.
Recently, we’ve been reading Guts rather religiously. To this day, I’m not sure why I bought this middle school graphic novel, but each time, Kaiden is mesmerized watching the story unfold. An anxious pre-teen goes through bouts of fear and in the throes of it all, learns to overcome her overwhelming thoughts. Guts is what Kaiden gave me to face my fear of spiders among other things. Guts is what Kaiden has in his audaciously imaginative life.
image of Kaiden at a park wearing a spider-man hat, with a present and a card that reads "you're amazing"
A few weeks back a sense of grief set in when I learned his hat was getting replaced. A new hat arrived, “mom! It says whatever!” I was happy and feeling empty at the same time.
The way spider-man's spider senses became tingly is exactly how I felt about the sudden loss. I couldn’t place my grief beyond the fact that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I was having a Woody moment where Buzz Lightyear was more desirable. Something changed without my permission (as if It was ever in my control). Perhaps this inanimate object and I had a personal connection.
You see, this is the hat that had been around through some major life transitions. It was a staple for memories of fearless and radical change. It was a hat that I never wore, yet felt deeply interwoven in. Arguably, that hat taught me how to unleash my superpowers. I’ll miss that hat.
Jocelyn selfie with Kaiden’s Spider-man hat behind her.
“Why do I even care so much? This hat was a constant. Just like my love for my kid. Real talk, Kaiden’s not even mine and that’s probably been my biggest in-progress mindset shift of motherhood. That he owns his life and on one hand I get to guide and see it in some ways and on the other hand, it’s out of my control.”
That’s the very nature of grief that I’m choosing to embrace. When things depart from life, we don’t always get the notice before the news. The memory of that hat left an emptiness. I felt confused. I felt the range of emotions. How could something so pronounced be so gone? How come I wasn’t there to see how replaceable things can be? Being there for that moment didn’t matter. What happened happened. A loss is a loss. Or maybe it can be tucked on a shelf to be revered and remembered.
No matter how big or small, grief is sometimes the goodbye we get or the goodbye we wished for and will forever never know. It's the words said and unsaid. The wonder with hope and supremely etched memories.
Kaiden looking out into the ocean.
My cousin Jasmine would’ve been 36 years old this month; my uncle, her father are birthday twins. He celebrated another wondrous year around the sun. My uncle Myron's year anniversary to the spirit realm just passed. I grieve for them. It's a different Spring.
Holding on to moments is sometimes all we have. It’s why Sunflower plays as we ride to school. “Mom I like the “Ay, ay, ay,” Kaiden said when the beat drops. In the rear view our eyes lock, our voices in symphony. It's our powers apart and combined that ceaselessly inspires and magnifies an unmatched love. Moments like this should last forever. I pray they do as long as I live.
I want Kaiden to always know: he’s a sunflower. His being, his love will never be too much.
The beginning letters of Kaiden created with the stem of a sunflower and the sticks in the sand.
Beneath it all, many of us wear capes. We do it every. single. day. We wear them through tears, fears, happiness, and other things. We choose to get up, to get by, to move forward. Sometimes more gentle, sometimes with rough ends. We turn the sails toward hope over sorrow. We choose to move through all that ails us to embrace better days. We choose love. We choose life.
Until next time, Spider-man.